On No Longer Being the Victim

I didn’t stop being the victim because there was no harm.
There was harm. And I see it.

I didn’t stop because I have no needs.
I do. And I am learning to express them directly.

I stopped because I realized the victim role comes with perks.

Moral high ground.
Permission to stay passive.
An excuse not to decide.
Attention. Sympathy.
Other people feeling responsible for me.

And something even deeper.

It protected me from a terrifying belief:

That I might be bad.

That my thoughts are not pure enough.
That my reactions are not 100% justified.
That my anger makes me wrong.
That my needs make me selfish.
That my mistakes make me unworthy.

If I am the victim,
then I am innocent.

If I am innocent,
then I am safe.

The role shielded me from my own inner judge.

But it was exhausting.

It consumed enormous amounts of energy.
Energy spent replaying situations to prove I was right.
Energy spent building internal cases.
Energy spent making sure I was morally clean.
Energy spent defending myself from accusations — real or imagined.

It was a full-time job.

And it drained my life force.

Because when I am trying to prove I am not bad,
I am not living.
I am defending.

Harm may be part of my story.
But it will not be my identity.

And my imperfection will not make me a villain.

I don’t want to hang my life on other people’s verdicts anymore.

I want to allow myself to be human.

To have messy thoughts.
To have imperfect reactions.
To hurt someone unintentionally.
To apologize without collapsing.
To be wrong without being evil.

I want my energy back.

A.