Does everything always have to be equal?

For a long time, I believed that everything in relationships had to balance out. Equal. Fair. Symmetrical. If I give this much, the other person should give the same. If not, something feels wrong.

I didn’t see then that this wasn’t really a philosophy about relationships. It was a survival system.

In my world, imbalance wasn’t abstract. It meant loss. When boundaries were soft or unspoken, I often ended up losing something important – attention, safety, the feeling of being seen. So “keeping score” became a way to make sure I wouldn’t lose myself again.

This idea of “equal” was never really about fairness. It was about control over chaos.

Over time, this mechanism became automatic. I would quietly calculate in my head: who gave what, who took what, where things stood. As if relationships were an equation that needed constant checking to make sure nothing slipped out of balance.

Only later did I realize it didn’t actually give me safety. It only gave me a temporary sense of relief.

This has shifted in me.

Boundaries are starting to live somewhere else now. Not in the balance sheet, but somewhere internal – in that quiet “yes / no” that I don’t always know how to explain right away.

And the old system is still there. It still checks, still wants to even things out, still looks for logic.

It’s just no longer the only language I have inside.

A calculated boundary says:

„I’ve given this much, so this is how much more I can tolerate.”

A felt boundary says:

„This feels okay for me.”
or
„This no longer feels okay for me.”

Regardless of the balance sheet.

And that is a completely new space for me.

A.